How to Have Effective Conflict with Loved Ones

Conflict isn’t a problem.

Ineffective and unskillful conflict is.

Most people are unskilled at navigating conflict. Therefore, they mistakenly conclude that conflict itself is bad and needs to be avoided.

This is an unfortunate conclusion. It ensures that they continue to evade conflict and, as a result, that they don’t improve their ability to manage conflict effectively.

Furthermore, conflict doesn’t cease to exist because you avoid it. Instead, it gets pushed under the surface and manifests as resentment, passive-aggression, and emotional outbursts.

These are the two premises you should understand before moving on:

1. Conflict is inevitable, whether you engage in it overtly or not
2. Conflict itself is not the problem; ineffective conflict is

You’re now ready to learn the basics of skillfully managing conflict to generate a sense of collaboration, enhance communication, and get more of what you want.

The Goal of Conflict

The goal of conflict is to get more of what you want, while ensuring that the other person gets what they want, too.

In other words, conflict is about effective self-care on the one hand, and effective empathy on the other.

Further, and this part is essential, conflict is a means to an end.

When that end is clear in your mind, then conflict is the path by which you travel to arrive at the desired destination.

When the end is unclear in your mind, conflict becomes the end in itself.

At this stage, conflict is not just ineffective but outright damaging.

Conflict for the sake of conflict destroys lives and relationships.

That is how most people experience and understand conflict. And that is why they try to avoid it.

But when you know what you want out of the conflict, then you’re prepared to use it effectively and constructively.

Effective Conflict

The 1st Step

The first step, as stated above, is to get very clear on what you want.

Ask yourself, “What is it, specifically, that I am trying to get? What is the outcome that would make me happier than I am right now?“

Let’s say, for instance, that Sarah notices that she has been feeling irritable, frustrated, and borderline angry in her relationship of late.

These are sure signs that there is something about the relationship dynamic that isn’t working for her.

Normally, people engage in conflict out of (or from) this feeling of irritation. They don’t think about what they want to be different.

They simply generate ineffective conflict as a means of giving unskillful expression to their unwanted feelings.

This is how conflict itself becomes the end, and not the means to the end.

But Sarah does it differently. She notices her frustration, and asks herself what she needs to be different. It occurs to her that at least part of her irritability is due to the fact that her partner scrolls his phone every night in bed before going to sleep.

She says to herself, “I’m pretty sure I would be happier and less irritable if my partner put his phone away 30 minutes before we go to sleep.”

The 2nd Step

Now, it is time for the conflict.

Sarah’s job is to engage in skillful conflict with her partner, Hasan, in the hopes of getting what she wants, while not disrespecting who he is or what he wants.

It sounds more complicated than it is.

Sarah approaches Hasan. She says something to the effect of, “Hey honey, there’s something I’d like to ask you. Do you have a minute?”

This is critical.

If Hasan says “yes,” then an agreement has been made. Sarah has established, with Hasan, that she will be asking him something. Hasan can’t pretend that she’s ambushing him.

If Hasan says “no,” then Sarah asks him when he will have a minute. She doesn’t let him off the hook.

For the sake of this example, Hasan says “yes”.

Sarah thanks him. Then she says:

“I noticed that I’ve been feeling a bit irritable of late. I was wondering why, and it occurred to me that part of my frustration seems to come up when you scroll your phone at night before bed. I don’t know why it impacts me the way it does, but would you be willing to put your phone away 30 minutes before going to sleep? For my sake?“

Sarah did two things really well here:

• She owned it as her frustration. Her irritation. Her problem. She didn’t accuse him of being a bad person. She didn’t call him uncaring or inattentive. She didn’t even blame him.
• She presented a very clear, concrete, behavioral-level request. And she made certain that the request was about her. For her.

If Sarah wanted to be even more efficient and get right to the heart of the matter, she might have simply said:

“Would you be willing to put your phone away 30 minutes before going to sleep? For my sake?“

(Sometimes mentioning our own negative feelings can trigger defenses in our conflict-partner. Sometimes not. Sarah has to make the decision based on her own sense of the moment.)

The 3rd Step

Hasan either agrees or disagrees. Or he agrees and then forgets.

Sarah does not, and cannot, control another person’s responses and behaviors.

What Sarah can do, and what she did do, was own her frustration, recognize her wants, get Hasan’s agreement to have a conflict (“there’s something I’d like to ask you”), and make a behavioral-level request.

Ideally, at this stage, the conflict is over. Hasan agrees to put his phone away 30 minutes before bed every night, and they get on with their day.

This is an example of effective conflict that is a means to a very clear and useful end.

But, to proactively address the objections of you, the reader, let’s say that Hasan doesn’t respond well.

Let’s say that he tries to generate further, unproductive conflict by saying something to the effect of, “Well, you’re on your phone every minute of every morning before leaving for the day!”

This is a pivotal moment.

Very likely, this aggressive response of outright accusation will trigger difficult feelings in Sarah.

She’ll be compelled to respond in kind, make accusations of her own, get aggressive in turn, or attack herself by saying something like, “You’re right, I’m a terrible person.”

But because she is determined to participate in effective conflict, not unproductive conflict, she doesn’t do the above.

Instead, she does one of the following:

1) She ends her participation in what is likely to be ineffective conflict by saying something to the effect of, “If you have a request for me, I’m happy to hear it. If not, I’m going to go now and we can revisit this later.”

2) She decides to see if she can get things back on a useful track. She decides to practice effective empathy – see below.

Effective Empathy

Effective empathy is the ability to recognize the perspective of another person and to verbalize that recognition.

It is the capacity to understand the subjective worldview of another person and name it.

Why might Sarah decide to do this?

To get what she wants.

In other words, effective empathy is another tool – another means to an even greater end.

Her job, if she so chooses, is to label the negative emotion that Hasan is likely to be feeling.

Research shows that naming negative feelings makes them less frightening and more workable. Furthermore, it will invite Hasan to acknowledge his feelings instead of act them out. Finally, it allows him to feel understood.

So, she gives it a try:

“It seems like you feel that I don’t pay attention to you in the mornings, and that I prioritize other things. So if I do that in the mornings, then what right do I have to ask you to put your phone away in the evenings?”

Then she pauses briefly, letting him appreciate her effort to recognize his feelings.

Then, as a final move, she offers a positive solution:

“I want to connect with you, in both the mornings and the evenings. I value you and my time with you.“

Again, this may or may not work. Hasan may or may not soften up and come around. If he continues to bristle and accuse, maybe Sarah gives it another attempt. But she doesn’t have to.

If she senses that Hasan feels determined to make the conflict painful and unproductive, then it is not only Sarah’s right, but Sarah’s responsibility, to have strong enough boundaries to not participate in it.

Conflict and Empathy are Tools – Don’t Forget It

Conflict is a wonderful, effective tool to ensure you get what you want from life and love.

Both conflict and empathy should be treated as tools to purposefully employ in pursuit of the life we desire.

When conflict becomes the end-in-itself, you’re in dangerous, damaging waters.

When empathy becomes empathy for its-own-sake, you’ll end up burnt-out and resentful.

Empathy, when used skillfully, is a beautiful tool to connect, collaborate, and ensure that your desires are heard, too.

Conflict, when used skillfully, is an equally beautiful to to get what you want, without disrespecting or damaging the other person in the process.

The above framework can and should be employed on a regular basis.

When there isn’t effective conflict, you can trust that ineffective conflict will take over.

Conflict itself isn’t a choice.

The choice is whether you engage with it proactively and skillfully, or not.

Though simple enough in theory, this type of work is usually quite difficult in practice. If you or your partner could use some help, sign up for a quick intake call with us below.